Remember to pause

This morning my heart rate was raised. Again. High 120s. Last night it was in the high 150s. The rapid rate successfully descended in each scenario. Some deep belly breaths, homeopathic remedies, prayer… But I’m noticing: it keeps going up.

And today, that bummed me out.

I woke up wondering: what am I doing wrong? I’m assuming there is something I can do to change the rhythm. Though the heart rate-rising routine hasn’t brought me to the ER like it did in the spring, it continues to bring me to this place of questioning… of wondering… of of self-critiquing.

“Curiosity not condemnation,” my therapist says. And so with curiosity, I place my pen to my journal, and I reflect. If you are curious, I’ll share with you where my racy heart led me today…

I don’t know why this is happening. Again. I’m tired. And scared. And I don’t know what to do.

And in the unknowing, I stop. Because what else can I do? Then I notice: when I allow it to, my heart inspires me to pause. When I opt not to push through, but to honor what my body is telling me, I stop. Sit + breathe, pray, reflect, turn off the TV, center, and surrender.

Last night I was literally reminded to surrender. I had begun praying the 9-day Surrender Novena (again), and yesterday I forget to pray it. As I lay on the sofa watching “The Summer I Turned Pretty,” I noticed my heart rate feel different. I paused the show, swung my feet around to ground onto the earth, and took a few breaths. When I rose to find my pulse-oximeter, my heart rate was rocking at 159. (At rest, it should be between 60 and 100). And I was at rest; lounging horizontally on the couch on episode 7, season 1. Thoughts arrived as they always do: you shouldn’t have had that glass of wine… it’s a school night and you may be waking your husband to go to the ER… shouldn’t you have this under control by now??? “Curiosity not condemnation,” I remind myself. Returning my awareness to my breath, I inhaled and exhaled. Then again, but slower. I also become aware of the presence of God with me. I prayed, “Holy Spirit, be present with me now and inspire me to be present as you are.” And then I remembered: surrender. I opened the Hallow app, and selected day 4 of the Surrender Novena. In the prayer, Jesus is speaking to us directly. And on day 4, He says… “Do you see that the sick person is getting worse? Do not be upset, but close your eyes and say, ‘You take care of it.’ I say to you that I will take care of it, and that there is no medicine more powerful than my loving intervention. By my love, I promise this to you.”

I closed my eyes and prayed “You take care of it.”

My restless heart steadily lessened its pace, gradually arriving within the healthy resting rate range. My restless heart reminded me to surrender. And it inspired me to pause.

Even now - 10 months after dropping to knees in surrender - I am learning, relearning, and remembering. God is leading me, and He is reminding me one restless heart beat at a time.

Holy Spirit, be present with me now…

Two days ago, I was leading one of our Women’s Wellness Weekends, relaying the power of pause again and again. And here I lounged, requiring the reminder myself. We all need help remembering. And that’s okay.

Taking a moment to pause is always worthwhile. In the moment, it may feel inconvenient. At times, it isn’t in alignment with our own plans or vision for getting things done. But time and time again, it’s proven that inconvenient is not bad. Some days or nights, inconvenient is actually quite necessary.

May this be your reminder to pause. Even if “pause” isn’t on your to-do list. And even if the inspiration to pause pops up at a slightly inopportune time. When you listen to a podcast or read a book or blog offering this type of guidance, you are in a unique + lovely position to enact the advice proactively. To pause and recenter before you need to pause and recenter.

At this weekend’s (re)treat, we likened this to charging our phone. If you recognize that your phone is at 70% and choose to plug it in, it won’t take nearly as long to charge as it would if it were at 15%. We are the same way. When you, sweet reader, take a moment to notice that it’s been a minute since you’ve paused, you can refill that cup + energy from a place of strength. And it won’t take nearly as much time or effort. But, when we push and function in the intensity of to-doing + living our scheduled, non-stop existences, then we require much, much more. More time, more effort, and even more resources to get us back to good.

A moment of pause is always worthwhile. One breath cycle. One prayer. One moment of gratitude. One inspired read. Whatever you choose, may it lift you up. May it leave you better. May it calm you down. May it center you. And may it leave you curious about just how many restless aspects of our lives could benefit from just a moment of pause.

And when you forget, do remember: every moment offers us the chance to begin again. It doesn’t matter how many times you need to, just that you do. And I’ll be right here to remind you - just as I am reminding myself - and to cheer you on along the way.

You can do this.