Blessed surrender

I’ve been wanting to share this update for awhile, and I keep fumbling over the words. The recovering perfectionist in me desiring to roll out the carpet to you of the new path I’ve been treading since December with elegance and eloquence. But the path has been messy and rocky and a bit scary. So perhaps, just for today, I let the telling of the path be what it is: messy, rocky, and real.

So here we go.

In December of 2022, I went to the Emergency Room. My heart rate was speeding upwards of 140 beats per minute for too long, and I didn’t know what to do. (As context, a normal resting heart rate would beat at a rate of 60 - 100 beats per minute). At the ER, I was given an intravenous medication to decrease and normalize the rhythm of my heart. Said another way, the injection reset my heart.

In April of this year, I returned to the ER. Once again, experiencing a plateaued heart rate over 130 beats per minute. Inject. Reset. Release.

The cardiologists diagnosed the arrhythmia as “SVT: Supraventricular Tachycardia.” They called it “an inconvenience,” but one that I could manage and live with. Or have a procedure to terminate. The procedure involved the burning or freezing of the “misbehaving” cell causing the irregularity. The procedure worked “most of the time;” though sometimes it was required to be performed again.” I was told that once SVT had occurred, it was common for it to occur again. And again. And “again” became my new reality.

For a few months, I was measuring my heart rate over a dozen times a day. My rate spikes were no longer happening four months apart, they were now occurring 30 minutes to an hour apart. Luckily after the two ER visits, I learned to identify the early signs of an episode. Frantic mind. Anxiety spike (did I mention, after months of data collection it had become quite clear that ‘anxiety’ was a primary driver of the incidents?) Adrenaline spike. Increased heart rate. And cue: the next scary, heart-racing episode.

I opted to pursue a non-surgical approach to recovery, believing that I could control this. I could discover practices to maintain a healthy rhythm + managed mind. And I could de-elevate the rate spikes - that were bound to occur - in a natural, non-invasive way. I was a yoga + meditation teacher, for goodness sake! In addition to dusting off many self-care books, I began therapy and began to carry a pulse oximeter with me wherever I went.

I was working with the belief that once the rate spiked it was up to me to reign it in. Me and my mind were standing between me + a chill evening at home or me, my husband, + a long wait at our local hospital (with yet another dose of Adenosine). It was on me - all on me - to fix. And to avoid yet another “inconvenient” display of my misbehaving heart.

The story continues. Add a root canal and a highly infected tooth on top of an irregular, constantly misbehaving heart and moderate-to-severe anxiety, and we were having ourselves quite the 2023! And yet, the medical diagnoses, countless test results, and expert opinions were only the landscape of this wild year. Since January, another figure was making their presence known in my life: Jesus.

Now, you’re either lifting your hands to praise or you’re lifting your finger to close this window; either way, I’d ask you to stay with me a bit longer. Because God meets us where we are. Wherever we are. Whether we’re worshiping or rolling our eyes, God is with us.

And for almost 4o years, God was with me… a “believer” who didn’t truly know what it meant to believe. And for 30 years, God was with me… as I thanked Him for all of my blessings - sometimes from habit rather than from heart. And for 10 years, God was with me… as I sought out my own spiritual path and crafted a DIY route to religion. And for 5 years, God was with me… a tired mama. A beyond tired mama. An exhausted ma. Who had no idea why she was so very tired.

So I kept teaching yoga. And I kept practicing meditation. And I kept reading the latest self-help books. And I kept writing + posting about decreasing your pace to increase your peace. And yes, I prayed. But I integrated nothing.

Until I did. But not of my own doing.

Let’s rewind to January: after the first ER visit + SVT incident, I was sharing the dramatic details with Kyra, the Innkeeper at the Inn at Twin Linden where we host the Women’s Wellness Retreats. I half expected Kyra to gently bow out of our strategic partnership as I uttered the words: I think anxiety is causing my heart problem.

On the drive to meet her, my busy mind questioned: Who am I - retreat leader, meditation guide, wellness coach, purveyor of calm - to struggle with anxiety? And not just to struggle… to open to the door, welcome it in, and radically allow it to consume my whole non-integrated self??

Kyra did not bow out (of course she didn’t). Instead she asked me a question I will never forget: have you ever practiced the Surrender Novena?

Now, The Preppy Yogi had surrendered. Of course, she had. Every yoga practice in child’s pose. And she had guided others to surrender. Every Tuesday evening + Thursday morning for the last 13 months at her local YMCA. Blog after blog. Post after post. Practice after practice. “Let go”… “release” … “loosen your grasp.” Some phrasing may sound familiar to my long-term readers. So, Yes, Kyra, I have surrendered. But I was curious what this ‘novena’ was that she mentioned…

She went on to recite the Novena’s main prayer: Oh Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything.

Oh. No… I had never surrendered like that.

I didn’t even know I was allowed to surrender like that… wasn’t that disrespectful? Shouldn’t there at least be a “please” in there somewhere? Didn’t I need to take the thing - the effort, the problem, the project, the challenge - as far as humanly possible and then, only then, engage the Lord in the process…? But my inner over-thinker were overpowered by a complete inner clarity: I must complete this prayer.

I left brunch, walked to my car, and immediately googled “Surrender Novena.” Jesus had me at line one: Why do you confuse yourselves by worrying? Leave the care of your affairs to me and everything will be peaceful.

‘Peace’ was something I long aspired for. Yearned for. Prayed for. Bought ‘Life is Good’ hats displaying the aspiration for. But with all the practices that I practiced, and all the yoga I yoga’d, I didn’t have it. I didn’t know it. I didn’t feel it. And to be honest, through the process of searching, I hadn’t realized that. I thought I was doing the things I needed to do. Taking care of my mind and my body on the mat, in the postures, through the breath, with intention + compassion + a servant’s mindset to want to help others along the way. But the route of more practicing had led me to this restless place. This restless-hearted, restless-minded, beyond-tired place.

So, finally, to Jesus I surrendered it all. And in surrendering, I opted to stop. To stop teaching. Stop writing. Stop posting. Stop practicing yoga. And stop trying to control all the outcomes.

And at first, the only thing I started in the midst of all the space created was the Surrender Novena. For anyone less familiar with the Novena concept, ‘Blessed is She’ describes it as follows:

The word ‘novena’ is derived from the Latin word for nine, or ‘novem.’ Typically, a novena refers to nine days of prayer, asking God for a specific intention, often through a Saint’s intercession. Novenas are a beautiful way to grow purposeful, consistent, and persistent in daily prayer.

In the Surrender Novena, there is no interceding saint. You’re speaking directly to our Savior, and His words are arriving directly to you. And He says, …in truth that every act of true, blind, complete surrender to me produces the effect that you desire and resolves all difficult situations.

My pile of ‘difficult situations’ seemed to be mounting by the day. So I prayed the Novena for 9 days. On day 10, I started it again. And on + beyond day 19, I just kept praying it.

I could list a dozen scenarios of how the effects of the Novena materialized in my day (and overtime, I may) but the part of the story you’re probably still here for is what happened from praying it. (Yah?) So here you go:

I stopped trying to control all outcomes. In the space of the surrender, I realized: life wasn’t on me - all on me - to influence, to improve, to problem solve, to optimize, or to control. Jesus was with me at every moment, navigating and guiding me through details big + small, turning them all in my favor and working each one for my good. He was a part of each + every moment, scenario, challenge, burden, blessing, + accomplishment. And He wanted to help. He was there for it. All of it. And He was there for me. I just had to open up to receive.

Of course, He had been there all along. God meets us exactly where we are. He met me through a restless heart, an aching tooth, peace-less yoga practices, exhausted every days, and an anxious mind. But not until I surrendered - truly surrendered - did I create the space where I could begin to receive His help. And see Him at work in my days.

And now, all I see is Him. He was the integration point I had been missing. He was the solution I had been looking above, below, around, + behind for. He was holding the key to a well-lived life. And a life lived on purpose, with presence, and without a constant feeling of exhaustion.

Before this wake-up call, although I said I was surrendering, I don’t think I ever really let go of anything. When I visualized the act of letting go, I pictured my arms extended out in front of me - clenched fists facing upward - and then turning them downward to open. Before surrendering through the Novena, my visual didn’t involve anyone catching what I’d dropped. And not until praying, Jesus… you (please) take care of it, did I recognize, request, and truly trust that the Lord was picking up what I was putting down.

For those still reading, thank you. Thank you for honoring this messy journey by holding the space to hear it all. And thank you for choosing to be here in the possibility of how God may be trying to meet up with you. Because He is always trying. And it’s up to us to surrender our thoughts, plans, illusions of control, and finely-crafted approaches to life. And in surrendering, to make space for the arrival of His perfect + constant presence. And the beautiful, grace-filled guidance that He has to offer us.

To make my long story one paragraph longer: it’s time to for me surrender the ‘Practically Present’ blog to God’s perfect + constant plans. Moving forward, I’ll share more about the breadcrumbs this sacred surrender practice has presented before me. And how following them has introduced me to a contentment, joy, rest, and yes, a peace like I had never known and always desired. God turns all to the good for those who love Him. And He does it one moment, one breath, + one choice at a time. I choose to share more with you about this blessed surrender. A surrender that is healing my heart, a surrender that is centering my mind, a surrender that is light, easy, + restful, and a surrender that is aligning my life. A practical surrender, yes, far greater + more remarkable than any I’ve ever known on the mat. I welcome you to continue along this journey with me. And for those interested in beginning their own blessed practice of surrender, you can access the grace-filled guidance of the Surrender Novena right here.

I pray that Jesus takes care of you and that you open to allow Him to take care of everything!