Leave it on the page

I feel frustrated.

And I feel like we’re watching too much “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” in our house.

Why.. as a 37 year old woman.. do I still not ask for what I need?

One morning every week, we have breakfast at my parents’ house. It’s a delightful time of togetherness for my sister, nephew, parents, daughter, and myself, and we connect. Really what happens is we each take turns chasing a 2 and a 3 year old around the house with a fork-full of food trying to get them to ingest a bite while they run rampant, and we shovel syrup-soaked crepes into our mouths. #ifyouknowyouknow

After breakfast, my sister and I - both work at home mamas - each go home to get a few hours of productivity in while may parents watch the kiddos. It’s a totally blessed, tired day for all.

Today, Gabby and I arrived early. Extra play time. And in this mama’s mind: extra work time! We’ll be clearing the Fisher Price picnic table by 9:30, and I’ll get a whole extra hour to get things DONE.

Today, I was inspired. Offer it up to the eclipse season, a whole lot of self-care, improved nutrition, a daily meditation practice, or waking up on the right side of the bed.. but today, my spark was glowing, and I was ready. It was time to shine, to share, to introduce this blog, and yes - to take a little respite from “mama.” Just for a few hours. To remind myself that I still possess room and capacity for my passions, interests, outlets, and fulfillment beyond mamaland.

But the day had different plans.

My dad needed to get a few things done. He vocalized his need - no problem. He needed extra support for the kiddos while he did it. He didn’t ask - just told. And I abided.

And my sister needed to go to an appointment. She vocalized her need - no problem. And she needed extra support for then kiddos while she did it. She didn’t ask - just told. Thanked me. And I abided.

And so my mom needed extra support for the kiddos. She didn’t ask - but I listened to what was unspoken. And I abided.

While everything in me called to leave, I remained, supporting.

I didn’t ask. I didn’t claim the time, the break, the space that could be mine, no problem. I stayed. And I stayed silent.

Letting my frustration bubble up inside. Silent. I left the room.

I could feel an inner resistance building. And I knew what the resistance was here to tell me. This contrast in energy intensifying within me was very clearly communicating to me. “Speak.” “Vocalize.” “Let yourself be heard.”

You cannot be heard, Dear One, if you don’t open your mouth.

I returned to where my mom, nephew, and daughter played.

“I’m feeling frustrated.” I sounded like my daughter as we coached her to process her sweet, big feelings. My resistance was coaching me just the same.

My mom had grown accustomed to me opening up once I reached the boiling point. And this was the scenario in which I’d ask for help. Having gone a few too many weeks without a date night, without a break, and with an onslaught of toddler tantrums. My three-year-old knows exactly how to communicate her needs and desires. She vocalizes better than anyone I know. And when her needs aren’t met on demand, her “ask” just grows louder, gains more passion, and plays on repeat.

Perhaps one the of reasons I find her emotional fits so frustrating is the fact that she so perfectly mirrors back to me my own communication gap. Or perhaps the big, little tantrums are simply a total energy suck.

Once I would come to my mom - or rather texted her - waving the white flag, I was surrendering. In desperate need of assistance. At full capacity. Not merely needing by requiring support. Today was different. Though I did choke back tears as I uttered my simple sentence like a character from Mr. Rogers, I wasn’t at full capacity. My husband and I just had a lovely evening out. My father-in-law visits us once a week so that I can have a few extra hours to work outside of nights and naptimes. And since taking on my nutrition-improving journey, I’ve had more energy than I’ve had in years.

Today was different. Not because of the overwhelming, exhausting things it contained, but because of the overwhelming desire within me to do something that I wasn’t able to do. That I anticipated using my extra time for. That I was super jazzed about. And that the time for was getting nibbled away, minute by minute.

I needed today. Not because I was full to the brim and needed to deflate, but because I was inspired and needed to create.

Since having my daughter, time with her has been some of the most personally fulfilling moments of my life. Watching the refinement of her language + communication, observing her bright spirit shine so authentically and uninfluenced, witnessing her absolute + utter presence.

The other night, my husband was preparing dinner on the grill, and my little lady hugged a low-hanging branch of our dogwood tree. She said, “when I hug the tree, I’m hugging myself.” Come on.

But today, the light beckoning to me wasn’t coming from her sweet soul. I felt the draw as deep as the earth’s core and as expansively as the heavens above. Though I still didn’t quite know the details of this calling, I welcomed the path to unfold one moment at a time. Recognizing in the depths of my own core that I would be inspired, guided, and supported in all the required ways.

As I helped return 22 My Little Ponies to the Tupperware container they’d been dumped out of, I told mom I was looking forward to this time and had ways I was excited to use it. And with that, sent me home - supported. “Take the time you need.” Permission received.

Upon returning home, I gathered my journal, incense, a blanket, and a fresh mason jar of mint-cucumber water and settled beneath our beloved dogwood.

I opened my journal and felt compelled to write: leave it on the page.

And so I did.

To process all that had occurred, to witness it, to allow it to land as I required, and to love it. When I was in the resistance, I was not able to see the blessing that this experience offered. Separating from it a few hours and a few miles allowed me to receive it fully for what it was: one of many soul lessons.

Today’s divine lesson plan:

1) honor what you’re feeling

2) offer it space to be experienced + heard

3) ask for the support you require

4) and in turn, love yourself just a bit more deeply

And now as I open my computer, I share these pages with you. I had half a dozen other topics outlined for the first post of the “Practically Present” blog, but this topic chose itself.

Perhaps it will mirror something back to you that you require. Perhaps it will encourage you to dust off your journal and leave an experience or an emotion on the page (one of my go-to “processing” practices - and one that I’ll be sharing more practically in an upcoming post). Or perhaps it will tell you a story… a story that energizes or grounds you, a story that validates or plants deeper questions within you, a story that makes you feel heard - even when you don’t have the words to say.

Sitting beneath the tree, I reach up to hold a leaf, transparent with warm, glowing sunlight.

When I hold this tree, I hold you. We are all one. We are all held. And we are all love.

My intention for this space is to offer you practical tips to welcome presence into your days, to love yourself more dearly, and to take one step at a time to truly listen and experience this beautiful heart-led life.

I am here for you. And would be honored to connect and support you on this journey of presence. Please reach out with any questions - practical, spiritual, and everything in between.

You are supported. You are loved. And you are right here.

Grateful to be right here with you, mama ♥️