Observe your patterns

You know that “I’m having second thoughts…” feeling? When you’re really psyched about an idea, and then once you put it out there, a kettlebell of questioning drops in your gut, and you allow yourself to be weighed down into the all-consuming, over-thinking spiral?

No? Just me?

I end up in that spiral a LOT. I put a lot of ideas out there… musings on Insta-stories, vulnerable shares in posts, soul callings in blogs… and when I’m in it (the idea) it feels right. Aligned. Divine. It flows as I write, edit, read aloud, and choose an adorable, corresponding picture for the content. I am vibing.

And then I hit “share” or “publish,” and my innards tangle up in knots.

“What if that rubs someone the wrong way… what if someone is turned off by my positioning… what if I’m viewed as too deep, too naive, too cocky, too insecure, inaccessible, too accessible, too emotional, inexperienced, bitter, too serious, too silly…” and the list of anticipated perspectives goes on (and on… and on…)

Since starting this blog, oddly (or perhaps, divinely, you choose) when I ask for feedback, I tend to get the exact same responses from multiple people each post.

First I posted + received - “you’re a beautiful writer.” - then I posted and got - “Loved it!” - and the next post received - “I got SO much out of that.”

So clearly, I tucked each one of those compliments into a little pocket in my heart from which I gently remove + review them every time I sit down to write. Placing them on my writing surface just beside my cup of tea, candle, and chocolate.

This week, I received another response - “I didn’t really get it. Can you explain to me what you were trying to relay?”

This feedback very much bummed me out. 1) because I am energized, lit up, and inspired to keep going when I hear that my words meet someone where they’re at + support their sweet, seeking soul. Baby, do those validating comments light my fire! but 2) because constructive feedback knots me up inside. It causes me to think I did something wrong; a problem that my achieving mind addresses with a “must solve” auto-pilot response.

I ask myself: “do I take it down? Re-work it? Is there even anything salvageable or of value in there?” Extreme, I know. But I also just told you that receiving constructive feedback causes me to think I did something wrong… a very limiting belief that your girl is processing and lovingly tending to, I can assure you.

So, after a minute or two of lingering in the extreme emotions, I allow a few moments of space + stillness, shift into neutral, and I open to receive:

It’s not personal, Dear One.

The reaction is to a series of words strung into sentences, and to sentences bundles together into a blog post. The reaction is not directed at you, but rather at the way the message was beaded together.

And yet, here I am, once again, taking feedback personally.

Feedback is a gift, they say. So in an effort to reframe my receipt of this constructive questioning, I decided to share about my reaction to receiving the feedback in my Instagram stories. Because if processing this observation was helping me to grow, perhaps it could do the same for another.

And guess what? Just as I hit “share,” I became a lump of tangled up emotions. Again. Less than 24 hours after the first reaction.

“Will people think I’m not open to feedback? Will anyone tell me what they really think? What if they don’t want to engage with me anymore because they think I’m closed off?”

And most loudly, I questioned - “should I delete the stories?” Because deleting would be an action I could take to immediately remove the uncomfortable feelings.

But now, after the second occurrence of the same thought / emotional pattern, I see: removing the uncomfortable feelings in the short term won’t prevent them from returning again. Oye… But it’s okay! I have tools for this!

So I sat down with my journal to chose a better feeling. I start with the feeling statement - “I am so worried that I will be judged from my sharing” and conclude with the statement - “I am enjoying this writing journey so very much.” I exhale with relief.

If the idea of journaling is intimidating to you, the practice of Better Feeling Journaling is super accessible, quick, and effective. Take a look at my previous post for a deeper explanation of the practice.

But today, I’d like to leave you with one more piece of practical guidance: begin to observe your patterns. I was fortunate to experience the exact same series of emotions in parallel within a 12-hour window. If that wasn’t a divinely facilitated eye-opener, I don’t know what is.

What repeat emotional patterns are you experiencing?

And as is my intention with each piece of practical guidance I offer, this step can require as little effort as possible to engage in. Just observe. “I’m annoyed that my daughter’s not napping… wasn’t I super grumpy a few nights ago when bedtime took longer than expected? Interesting…” Just notice. “That joke my friend made really stuck with me… didn’t I distance myself from my colleague after hearing a similar statement? Hmmmm…” Just witness. “I am so mad I let the oatmeal boil over… how many times this week am I going to try to do multiple things at once and not do any of them well!? It’s like I’m living in a glass case of emotions! Ooooooh…”

And, please please please remember this: no judgement. No matter how many rounds of an emotional cycle you have experienced or will experience, you will arrive at the point of readiness to address it at the exact right time for you. So perhaps I’ll tweak today’s takeaway: kindly begin to observe your patterns.

Simply by allocating the time to read + absorb this concept in this post, you are opening space in your being for enhanced awareness. The observations will happen naturally. You won’t need to try. And if you choose, you can tuck your noticings in a journal for future reference, or simply let them be. You honor them with your sweet attention alone. No additional action required.

Grateful as ever that you’ve chosen to kindly spend this time together, mama… right here, right now ♥️