Let yourself soften

Sometimes our thoughts feel sharp. Sometimes they feel hard. Sometimes they feel rough.

It is not our thoughts, but rather our response to them, that influences us. Our being. Our well being. And our energy.

It’s okay to soften, Dear One.

How does the idea of “softening” arrive for you? Do you hear “soft” and think: fluffy pillow or do you hear it and think: weak, incapable, unimpressive…? Take a moment to notice. There is not right or wrong here. There only is what is.

I used to perceive soft as weak. As lacking. The saying is “work hard - play hard.” And pushing through the hard, making it happen, and coming out the other side was the effort worth celebrating. Right??

The first time I received the guidance to “soften,” it was on my yoga mat. During a lengthy hold of a yogi squat, the instructor guided us to “soften into the squat.” I’ve never been a huge squat fan… so holding that pose for a long time wasn’t the most appealing to me. And at the time, my default response when something was hard definitely wasn’t to “soften” into it. Instead, I’d clench. Hold my breath. Tighten. And muscle my way to the end.

Even as I sit here sharing these thoughts with you, the words aren’t arriving as rapidly as I’d like, and my brain’s instinct is to push. Try harder. Furrow my brow. Muscle my way to a meaningful post. Make the message happen.

It is through softening that you truly achieve, Dear One.

My soul has different guidance. She (my soul) doesn’t force things. And she doesn’t strain. She smiles. She waits gracefully. And she coaxes me to take a nice, long sip of water.

There is no rush, Dear One.

She reminds me that everything is happening exactly as it should. And the words will arrive exactly when they are ready.

I smile. I lengthen my exhale. I lower my shoulders. And I soften.

After decades of outward-achieving, resigning to stay home with my daughter, shifted me into a new paradigm. One that didn’t include bi-annual performance reports or metrics. One that was much more inwardly oriented. And one that necessitated the empowerment of a small human rather than the efficiency of a process.

At first, I leveraged my tried and true approaches. I’d clench, tighten, push, and hold my breath through challenges. I didn’t have the space or the commute or the colleagues to vent or problem solve alongside. The trickiness of parenting was much more real-time in its need for resolution. More so than most corporate challenges I’d faced.

Slowly, I began to observe my sweet Gabrielle grit her teeth in a demonstration of frustration. And her tiny intense reaction held up a tiny mirror for my own conditioned ways. And it wasn’t the image this mama wanted to see.

And so now, we try softening, Dear One.

The idea of softening quickly shifted from one of weakness to one of strength. It became an illustration of being in control of my response. And the standard that I desired to model for and cultivate in my daughter.

“Can you find your calm?” became my response to her when she got upset and frustrated. And, with a dose of silliness, I would partner with her in seeking her calm.

“Is it… behind your ear?” I asked. “Noooooooo!!” she exclaimed at the peak of her frustration.

“Is it… in your pocket??” I inquired. “I don’t think so!!!” still mad, but simmering.

“Could it be… under the sofa?” I directed her attention outside of herself, lowering my belly to the floor to peek underneath the couch, as she slowly descended (both her body and emotions) and joined in on the hunt.

As her breath became easier and her attention was directed to her activity rather than her frustrated feeling, I’d exclaim, “we found it!! Look at that beautiful calm of yours… ooo I missed it so!” We celebrated together with a few breaths to ground the calm back into both of our beings.

So, mama… can you find your calm? Can you soften around your thoughts? Can you breathe some space into those triggers?

And if “not quite” is your initial response, you are just fine.

You know I won’t leave you without a practical application here. This is the “squishy” stuff that our minds don’t “get” right away. So I’ll help. And so will your sweet soul if you welcome her to join in.

When you experience a thought that makes you tense (tight / clench / resistant / mad / annoyed / grumpy / you get the idea), you have two options: resist or release.

When you resist, you harden more. You inhale and forget to exhale. You tie more knots within your being. Maybe in your physical body. And definitely in your headspace. And with each knot tied, the thought intensifies. And digs a deeper trench in your being for the next time you experience it. Same thought - more significant internal response. And with deeply dug trenches and interwoven knots, these tricky thoughts have a sneaky tendency to repeat. A lot. And THAT can get very annoying. Distracting. Even, teeth-gritting.

You can stop being so hard on yourself, Dear One.

You know this path. You’ve experienced it before. You are quite practiced in it. I disclose the “resist” option merely as a point of reference and one of contrast to the empowering alternative. But also as a reminder: you decide. You are in control. You get to choose. Some days, we resist. It happens. And it’s okay.

Or. You can release. You can exhale. You can loosen. You can soften.

Here’s the visual that serves me in my own softening practice. I see myself as crystal clear water. Think: Caribbean heaven. Then I see the thought that I’m on the verge of reacting to. The one that’s been knotting me up inside. And I view it (the thought) easily, freely, weightlessly drifting through the water. There is nothing in these tides to hook onto. It simply passes through the aqua blue waters and moves on its way.

As always, feel free to make the softening visual yours. What’s key is that you breathe some spaciousness around your thoughts. And you begin to loosen your grasp.

You can let yourself soften, Dear One.

This “visualization” doesn’t need to be a formal practice. You don’t need to sit in a quiet space, close your eyes, and center in for an extended period. You can practice it in the moment - in your moment - whenever you need. Sometimes I only perform it for 5 - 10 seconds. And I love to conclude my practice with an intentional breath cycle. One mindful inhale, followed by a lovely exhale. And maybe a quiet “thank you.”

The knots won’t all untie at once, especially with those recurring tricky thoughts, but with each intentional breath, you’ll welcome more space. And with more space and more intention, comes more peace.

Invite softening into your day and observe how it can help you find your calm, mama.